I used to say 'no' quietly in my head

While eating chocolate to stuff down the pain

I used to let my body say 'no'

By growing a great wall of fat

It stopped others

But it didn't stop him from asking

I used to quietly smile while going along

With someone else's program

Magically thinking

I could always undo what was done

Then I learned to get angry and yell out

NO--I've had enough

NO--It's not OK to speak that way to me

NO--I don't want to live like this

NO  NO  NO

He said 'hear her roar'

And I said 'yes'

Now it's my turn!

Campfire

It started out as

A birthday surprise for me

Three logs placed in a triangle

Fire pit in the middle

Gathering place for friends

Friday nights under the stars

Roasting marshmallows

Feeding the deer and raccoons

Graham crackers and saltines

People would drop by

Bringing beer and wine

Such were the fairy tales

Of life on the Island

Idyllic pastimes

Communing with nature,

Connecting with caring friends

Feeling peaceful and safe

The truth was far from that

Those who joined us

On those warm summer nights

Were only interested in

Drinking and gossiping

By summer's end

No one showed up at all

And, after an hour

We'd put out the fire

And go back to our

Cold, quiet house

Not speaking

I left that island a year ago

Didn't look back

The only good memories

Were of the deer and raccoons

Gathering around us

Hoping for a handout

But even that got old

Someone always wanting something

No mutual love and admiration

Me, tired of taking care of

Everyone but myself

So, now, I live in the city

No campfires

No deer and raccoons

No drunkards

Giving sloppy hugs

I do have my self respect

Family and friends

And three dogs

Looking for handouts,

And giving back love

Amazingly,

Life is simpler here

Leaving

Life on the Island

Was no life at all

Tedious, alone with my husband

No conversation

Guarded

One day a week to town

Forty-five minutes away

Same three stores

No lunch, no niceties

Back in four hours

Because of the dogs

The islanders waved as we would walk by

Giving us the finger when we'd pass

Smiles to our faces

Never an invite

Fighting our right

To work at our home

Roadblocks to the hoped for life

A call at night

To a supposed friend

Fear in my voice

Telltale sign ignored

'Let him sleep it off', he replied

I kept the bedroom door locked

It felt like a dream in the morning

My hands were full the day I left

The dogs looked up to see me struggle to open the door,

Not getting up from their comfortable spots on the floor

I thought, 'I should give them a hug'

But I closed the door and didn't look back

I turned off my phone

Got into the heavily packed van

And took the ferry away from that island prison

'Unbelievable', I whispered over and over

When I heard the news that

My husband shot our dogs in despair at my leaving,

he was planning to kill himself

But didn't have the nerve

Alcohol and drugs made the

Unthinkable possible

'You are lucky you left when you did'

I heard from that supposed friend

Others were afraid to bring their children

To the island with the Mad Man

Police didn't arrest him

Just hospitalized

'Not a crime to have mental issues'

Now he is back on the island

All is forgotten

They asked him to be on the Road Committee

Back to normal--

Except for me

Some days I mourn my pets

Miss the deer and raccoons

I had fed instead of buying food for myself,

Miss the incredible sunsets from the porch

Walking to the rocky beach

To hunt for miniature spiral shells

More and more I feel relief

Experience joy and am able to laugh again

Every day has become an adventure 

Connections with family and friends

Expressing emotions long lost

I'm free to write without hiding

I am remembering who I am

My life has changed immeasurably since the day I left, over six years ago.  I realize now that the fifteen years of making my life small to please an unpleasable, controlling person, was a life lesson for me to never give my power away again.  It taught me to trust my inner voice, to appreciate the connections I make with other people, animals and nature.  It taught me that I could be alone without being lonely, that I could be joy-filled by simply being present to life.  I am happier now than I have ever been, more confident, more willing to share my unique gifts with the world.  I am coming home to myself.