NO
I used to say 'no'
quietly in my head
While eating chocolate to
stuff down the pain
I used to let my body say
'no'
By growing a great wall of fat
It stopped others
But it didn't stop him from asking
I
used to quietly smile while going along
With someone
else's program
Magically thinking
I could always undo what was done
Then I learned
to get angry and yell out
NO--I've had enough
NO--It's not OK to speak that way to me
NO--I don't want to live like this
NO NO NO
He
said 'hear her roar'
And I said 'yes'
Now it's my turn!
Campfire
It started out as
A birthday surprise for me
Three logs placed in a triangle
Fire
pit in the middle
Gathering place for friends
Friday
nights under the stars
Roasting marshmallows
Feeding the deer and raccoons
Graham crackers and saltines
People would drop by
Bringing
beer and wine
Such were the fairy tales
Of life on the Island
Idyllic pastimes
Communing with nature,
Connecting with caring friends
Feeling
peaceful and safe
The truth was far from that
Those who joined us
On those
warm summer nights
Were only interested in
Drinking and gossiping
By summer's end
No
one showed up at all
And, after an hour
We'd put out the fire
And go back to our
Cold,
quiet house
Not speaking
I
left that island a year ago
Didn't look back
The only good memories
Were of the deer and raccoons
Gathering
around us
Hoping for a handout
But even that got old
Someone
always wanting something
No mutual love and
admiration
Me, tired of taking care of
Everyone but myself
So, now,
I live in the city
No campfires
No deer and raccoons
No
drunkards
Giving sloppy hugs
I do have my self respect
Family and friends
And three
dogs
Looking for handouts,
And giving back love
Amazingly,
Life is simpler here
Leaving
Life on the Island
Was no life at all
Tedious, alone with my husband
No
conversation
Guarded
One day a week to town
Forty-five
minutes away
Same three stores
No lunch, no niceties
Back
in four hours
Because of the dogs
The
islanders waved as we would walk by
Giving us
the finger when we'd pass
Smiles to our faces
Never an invite
Fighting our right
To
work at our home
Roadblocks to the hoped for
life
A call at night
To
a supposed friend
Fear in my voice
Telltale sign ignored
'Let him sleep it off', he replied
I
kept the bedroom door locked
It felt like a dream
in the morning
My hands were full the day I left
The dogs looked up to see me struggle to open the door,
Not getting up from their comfortable spots on the floor
I thought, 'I should give them a hug'
But I closed the door and didn't look back
I turned off my phone
Got into
the heavily packed van
And took the ferry away
from that island prison
'Unbelievable', I whispered over and over
When I heard the news that
My
husband shot our dogs in despair at my leaving,
he
was planning to kill himself
But didn't have the
nerve
Alcohol and drugs made the
Unthinkable possible
'You are lucky you left when you did'
I heard from that supposed friend
Others were afraid to bring their children
To the island with the Mad Man
Police
didn't arrest him
Just hospitalized
'Not a crime to have mental issues'
Now
he is back on the island
All is forgotten
They asked him to be on the Road Committee
Back to normal--
Except
for me
Some days I mourn my pets
Miss
the deer and raccoons
I had fed instead of
buying food for myself,
Miss the incredible sunsets
from the porch
Walking to the rocky beach
To hunt for miniature spiral shells
More
and more I feel relief
Experience joy and am
able to laugh again
Every day has become an adventure
Connections with family and friends
Expressing emotions long lost
I'm free to write without hiding
I
am remembering who I am
My
life has changed immeasurably since the day I left, over six years ago. I realize now that the fifteen years of making
my life small to please an unpleasable, controlling person, was a life lesson for me to never give my power away again.
It taught me to trust my inner voice, to appreciate the connections I make with other people, animals and nature. It
taught me that I could be alone without being lonely, that I could be joy-filled by simply being present to life. I
am happier now than I have ever been, more confident, more willing to share my unique gifts with the world. I am coming
home to myself.