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SUZANNE CAREY
DTLAL Associate Member
Sr. Columnist

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PHOTO: SUZANNE CAREY

SUZANNE CAREY


Starting Over 


The emotional storm had finally ended, and Jessica lay on the bed, a pile of exhaustion and emptiness. Memories of the screaming and crying filtered through her mind like a series of movie clips, all jumbled up together. The pain was only dulled by the inability to feel anymore, it was all just too much.

The sound of footsteps coming down the hall and into the bedroom made, its way into her consciences.

“Jess ... babe... you look like crap.”
That voice could only belong to one person, her best friend Dee, but that wasn’t possible because she passed away six months ago in a horrible car accident. Trying to open her tear swollen eyes, Jessica managed to get them open enough to see to the end of the bed. 
I must be losing my mind ! she thought. Yet there she stood.

“Dee?” she croaked
“Ya Jess, it’s me. Looked like you needed some help, so I took some time off from my heavenly duties to give a sister a hand.” That put a slight smile on her face, she’d always loved Dee’s sense of sarcasm. Too tired to try and figure out if she was hallucinating or not, she just decided to go with the flow, it was just easier that way. Feeling a slight depression on the other side of the bed, Jessica turned onto her back and looked over to her left. Yup, there sat Dee.
“ You are dead, right?”
“Technically I suppose” came that dry tone of voice “ my meatsuit is in powder form, but me? I’m still alive and kicking!”
“Ok.. so what are you doing here? Have I finally lost my mind?”
“No babe, you’re just too exhausted to logic me away. So, talk to me. I heard that screaming fit all the way up there. What happened?”

“Where do I begin” Jess mumbled.
“It all started when you died six months ago. That in itself almost ended me, but I made it through that. Then a month later I lost my job. I figured Eric would stay and support us both until I could find another job, but he decided he’d rather spend his money on the twenty something year old blonde twit he picked up at the bar and was having an affair with.” taking a deep breath to stop the new flow of tears, Jessica continued. “ Then to add insult to injury, I found my kitten dead on the bathroom floor!.” The last few words were spoken in a cracked and broken voice. “Dee, as I sat crying on the bathroom floor, holding my sweet little Chunk in my arms, all Eric could say was, “ Damn, that sucks” and he just walked away.”

A snort came from the other side of the bed. “I never liked that idiot anyway” Dee grumbled. “ Continue..”

Wiping her already sore and swollen eyes, Jessica began to speak again. “ So, last night I was opening the mail, and there a letter from the mortgage company saying they were going to foreclose on my house due to non payment. Eric was supposed to be paying the rent until I could get back on my feet, but apparently he had other plans. He then informs me he’s leaving.” Taking a moment to steady herself, Jessica breathed in and let out a slow breath. “Dee, I freakin lost it. It came bubbling up like hot lava, and I just started screaming and crying. I’m not sure, but I think I threw anything I could get my hands on at him.”

“ By the looks of things” Dee chucked “I’d say you did. It looks like a bomb hit this place. Good luck cleaning this mess up.”

Opening up one bloodshot stained eye, she sent an angry glare over at the spirit of her best friend, which only made Dee laugh. “ You're not helping you know.”

“ I know, I’m sorry” Disappearing, then materializing on the side of the bed where Jessica lay, Dee continued. “Ok Babe, it’s time to get up. Get your sorry ass into the shower, and put on your slippers, lots of broken glass. I’ll be here when you’re done.”
Turning on her side with a loud groan, Jessica just laid there, not wanting to move, but knowing she had to. Pushing herself up into a sitting position, she ran her fingers through her tangled hair, and with a deep sigh, slipped her feet into her slippers and shuffled into the bathroom.

Looking at herself in the mirror made her want to cry all over again. She had no idea who that red eyed, swollen faced, messy haired, haunted looking woman, staring back at her was. Where was that strong, happy, independent, vibrant women she used to be? And did she really care? Turning away from the mirror in resignation, Jessica took off her clothes, carelessly discarding them on the floor and stepped into the shower.

Feeling slightly more human, she found a pair of leggings and an oversized tee shirt, and through them on. Running a brush through her wet hair, she once again looked at the woman reflected back at her in the mirror. Maybe if I’d just took better care of my looks, or found a new job right away, or lost those ten pounds like he kept saying I should, maybe then none of this would be happening.
“ 
That guy was never good enough for you babe, and you know it.” Dee’s voice could be heard coming from the bedroom. “He was never there for you, and honestly, he did you a huge favor. You deserve so much better.”
Knowing her best friend was probably right, she left the bathroom and stared at the mess she’s made during her meltdown. Clothes all over the floor, the full length mirror with long spidery lines going through it where the Figurine she threw hit it, and the curtains on the windows now lay crumpled on the floor. Good Lord did she do all that?

“Yes you did babe.” came her best friends voice. “ wait until you see what the living room looks like!”
“Oh, shut up!” Jessica mumbled

Not able to deal with the mess in the bedroom any longer, she made her way into the living room, only to find that yes indeed, it looked like a hurricane ran through it. Chairs were upended, magazines and books laying all over the floor in haphazard fashion, and her flat screen TV was missing. That idiot took her TV!! Feeling her blood begin to boil, she searched the ruble for her cell phone, finally finding it under one of her books. Turning it on with the intention of giving that piece of you know what, a piece of what was left of her mind, only to find it too was broken.

Dropping down to the floor, Jessica just sat and cried. It was just all to much. She missed her life, she missed her kitten, she misses her best friend, who apparently was not so missing. But more importantly, she missed the woman she used to be.

Once again she heard Dee’s voice. “Jess my love, you will never be that woman again because it’s time for you to shed the things that no longer serve you, and start becoming the new woman you were always meant to be.” Looking around the room, she spotting Dee sitting on end of the couch. “Dee, where do I go from here?. I have no job, no money, pretty soon no home, and no boyfriend!”

Dee answered back “ Babe, you have everything you need. Right at this very moment, you have everything you need.” Looking at Dee as if she was crazy, Jessica began to wonder if she really had lost her mind.
“Answer me this” Dee said “ Before I was so inconveniently removed from my killer body, what were we talking about?”

Taking a moment to think Jessica replied “ I was telling you for the hundredth time how unhappy I was with my job, how I so wanted to leave this city, and what a jerk Eric was being.”
Dee again spoke “ Ok, so universe heard ya, and cleared away what you no longer wanted. Now you have room to begin again, and do all the things you always wanted to do.” Thinking for a moment, Jessica began to realize that Dee might be right. But that little voice in her head started making noise, filling her with fear and doubt.

“But Dee” she said “How can I possibly start over when I have no money to start over with?” “Here’s what I’ve learned, have faith and trust that God and your Angels have a much better plan for you. And babe, let me tell ya, I got a peak at that plan and its a- maaazing! You need to have gratitude for what you already do have, and Jess, you really do have a lot to be grateful for. And once you decide what it is you do want, put it out into the universe and take that first step. Once that step is taken, universe will rise to meet you, and one door after the other opens up as your new life begins to unfold.”

“When did you get so smart?”Jessica asked
“Babe, it’s amazing what ya learn hanging out with all those Angels.” Dee grinned and winked.

Slowly becoming more transparent by the moment, she blew a kiss and softly said “I’m just a thought a way.” And then she was gone.

Hours past as Jessica cleaned the mess she had made, and the next time she looked up from her cleaning it was dark. Looking around at the now clean house, she felt proud of herself. Not only did she clear away the mess and the clutter, but she used that time to decide what she truly wanted her life to look like, and now was the time to start making it happen.

After a quick dinner she grabbed an empty notebook and started writing. Before long, her life plan was written before her, and she was ready to take that giant leap of faith. The rollercoaster Jessica had been on was finally on the right track. Taking some time to understand where things had gone wrong, and what she needed to change in herself so it didn’t happen again, she was able to create the life she always dreamed of.

Exactly one year later, after a lot of tough choices, hard work and faith in herself and the support of universe, Jessica was living in a new town, a lovely new home, and running her own business, doing what she’s always dreamed of doing. The man in her life was her perfect soul mate and partner. Getting ready to go out to dinner that night, Jessica heard that voice that always made her smile.
“Well hey babe, just look at you now!”
Turning around she saw her best friend Dee, standing in the Doorway. A big smile stretched across Jessica’s face as she once again saw the spirit of her dearest friend. “ I did it Dee” she proudly said “Thanks to you.”
“No Jess, this was all you. I’m so proud of you.” Laughingly Dee continued. “ Well my dear, my job here is done, and I’ll be on my way. I’ll be back when my little niece is born.” With a blown

kiss and a wink, Dee once again faded away. A slow tear slid down Jessica’s face, but it was a tear of joy and gratitude. She really did have it all, even a future... wait... what!?

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PHOTO CREDIT: SUZANNE CAREY

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